Tips for fussy kids and Tuff mom days

Tip 1/8:  
What does His kingdom look like? And praying out loud.

In reflection on my last post I'm thinking of how God wants us to bring the heart of His kingdom to earth. We do this by pausing in the middle of the strife and asking God, "What would this situation look like if your kingdom interviewed through me?" pausing for an answer, then begging God for the grace and power to do what he said. 98% of the time, we'll find the answer in Jesus's sermon on the Mount.

Developing a habit of talking WITH God throughout our day is something we all want but when you are physically, mentally, and emotionally busy like most mothers are, it's a tuff thing to do! That's why the trick of praying out loud is so awesome. If the kids are screaming, if our emotions are low, our anger or annoyance or anxiety flares up, talk WITH God, out loud. Ask Him to show you what His kingdom would look like then pray for the grace to bring it into reality.

Before getting out of bed:
"Jesus, give me the grace I need to love you and to reflect on your love for me"
" Jesus help us be full of joy today, full of love and excitement"

In the middle of disobedience or fussing:
" God, help "name" receive the grace he needs to obey. Give me grave to obey also. Give him peace right now. Draw his heart close to you."
" God, help me have patience and kindness. Give me your heart."

When everything is falling apart:
" Oh God, help"
" Please Forgive me."

And the amazing thing is, prayer works. It works for us and it works for our kids.

I want so much more of this kind of communion with God. Some days feel so so busy and constant and exhausting that I get to the end and realize that I not only forgot to eat but I also didn't share one moment, one thought with God. This is one way to keep that from happening.

Isn't He the lover of my soul? Oh how I miss Him these days. Oh how I love when I find Him. And I'm not going to "be easy" on myself or make excuses.. I'm going to keep fighting for more of Him.. and I know that will bless His heart. Oh how amazing it is that we can bless his heart!

Children and Teenagers- Who Will Bring the Atmosphere?

Simyana is now two and a half. She is so wonderful. But these days she has been whining and fussing a lot. She says 'no' to almost everything, even when we try to trick her into saying yes... like; "Do you want chocolate?"

When I am faithful to ask God for solutions, I feel like He gives me insight and ideas into how to help my kids out of this. He also gives me comfort, as I read through the old testament and smile over God parenting the Israelites and He sweetly shares with me that He really understands. It seems like all the Israelites ever did was fuss and disobey, whine and complain.

As Asher and I move through these fussy days with our kids we feel God challenging us to,
"Bring the Atmosphere" On days when it seems like the girls just will not be happy,
God wants us to be happy and praise Him. When they whine and fight and cry, God wants us to "Do all things without grumbling or complaining", He wants us to walk in love which is "not easily annoyed." And He wants us to teach and discipline our children in that same beautiful way they should go.

When nothing I do seems to stop their fighting or frustration or disobedience may I still bring the atmosphere of love, worship, and obedience.

It is terrifying how easy it is to accept and enter into the atmosphere that our children are bringing to the home. Whether it is a fussy baby, a disobedient toddler, or a moody teenager. Our natural fleshly response is to respond the same. To complain in our minds or with our words like the baby, to loose our self control with our disobedient ones (which is disobedience to God), or to be down or cold with our teenagers who did it to us first.

Let us not respond to sin with sin. Let us quiet our hearts when the waters are stirred as we ask God to bring us peace and His likeness. He will be faithful. His goodness never comes from us. He is the only source of love, peace, goodness, and wisdom. Let us bring His kingdom to earth and let us start in our homes.

January 2013- A Baby Girl, in His Hands

Our first little baby was born, Simyana Joy, and there is no way to express the joy that she has brought us. I remember when I conceived I knew it because I very easily woke up at sunrise and felt compelled to pray. I knew it was because of the intercessor in my tummy. A similar experience I've had with all three of my kids.. During pregnancy I somehow sense and take on their future strengths. ... yes, you can call me a weird mystic, but I believe it fully and I would much rather have the pleasure of believing than the boredom of doubting.

We were originally planning to have at least two years before having a baby. After all we had only known each other for a year, we had no money, and we were about to become the houseparents of 15 teenage boys in a country and with people that were totally new to me. But in truth the main reason was so that we could "enjoy" life together a little longer before having the responsibility of a baby. Asher and I love mountains and hiking, motor bike rides and traveling. Things that just aren't so enjoyable when you have a little one to think of.

I have the incredible gift of optimism : )  which sometimes blinds me to the real difficulties that are ahead, so I will often run full force towards my hearts leading regardless of the amount of responsibility ... or chaos that will be on my plate. So for me I still wanted a baby.

But for Asher... well he is much better at seeing what reality will be. This is where Asher's goodness and honor of God shines bright, because in the midst of that understanding and in the midst of really truly wanting two years of life with me he felt a challenge from God to trust Him. To take the desires and plans that were in our hands, place them in Gods, and then step back, sit down and fall in love as we watch what He does with it.

So we took the first step and took it out of our hands. We conceived immediately. As I shared before, pregnancy was not an easy thing for either of us. We were both exhausted, dry, far from God, and just making it through. And an occasional complaint would come into our hearts that said we would have to wait years now before going on our much talked about treks and adventures.

Maybe we should of held our life as a stewardship in our own hands...

or maybe not.

We moved into the home with the boys and as I mentioned earlier, it was hard. A good day for me was when no one openly defied me or made fun of me. An even better day was when someone made eye contact or smiled. (I just re-read that sentence and laughed with joy over the difference now.)

Three months later our sweet Simyana was born.

She was a part of us. A missing part of us. We would often marvel over her and say, "Can you imagine if we waited two years before she came?" And then we saw something beautiful happen.

A deeper change took place. It wasn't just that we couldn't go camping anymore, or we couldn't
sleep-in till our hearts desire, it wasn't that we couldn't have freedom and watch full length movies. ... such silly things when you think about it... But the beautiful thing that happened was that God was blessing us in our soul. He was giving us life in our soul by bringing us to a place of NEEDING to lean on Him. This kind of life could never come from camping, adventures, lazy mornings or movies.

This kind of life is real and eternal.

Do you know what else happened? We saw Gods perfect plan unfold. We thought a new baby and all the boys would be chaos.,. But with Simyana's presence now in the house, the boys had a reason to come into the family room. They started to fall in love with her too. They could come in without having anything to talk about or ask or do and they could just play with the baby. There was a sense of family in the home and a sense of peace. All this was because God gave us a baby before we planned. May we never again make our own plans, because the deep joys and purposes we get from His are SO MUCH BETTER!

Marriage- To Pray With a Right Heart

One of Gods amazing attributes is his ability to lovingly pray for us. He prays with eyes that can see past every cover we have, they see straight through us. He prays for our weaknesses and our shortcomings. He sees all our dirt, all our selfishness, self righteousness, and ignorance. He sees it better than we do, better than our spouse does. Yet he prays for us with faith, knowing what He will make of us. He prays for us to become strong, to overcome, to become like he is. And the amazing part is that He does this with an incomprehensible devotional love for us. Being totally and joyfully, recklessly lovesick for us!

How difficult it can be for us to pray for people with such purity and love.  

How difficult it can be to be aware of peoples weaknesses and then to pray over those weaknesses with thanksgiving and love for that person.

Marriage is such a beautiful thing, the way you come to know someone so deeply. Much like Jesus who knows and sees us better than anyone else ever could, our spouse will know and see us better and more than anyone else.. or at least that is how it should be.

We get the honor of knowing someone better than anyone else will. What will we do with that power? Can we be like God in his humble, merciful ways of prayer?

As life goes on and I come to see Asher better and better, with all of his strengths and weaknesses I want to fall deeper in love with him. I want to increase in my thanksgiving of him.

We could choose to focus on the negative things. Every one of us has flaws, shortcomings, annoying tendencies, seasons where we have struggled with different kinds of sins, but if we allow awareness of those things to occupy our thoughts we are willfully walking into the dark expanse of unrighteous judgment. That judgment will turn into unthankfullness and then resentment and eventually hatred.

Jesus's ability to pray is truly amazing. It is like walking a tight rope. It is an incredible thing to know a human deeper than anyone else does, to know their weaknesses better than anyone else does and then to pray (focus) on those weaknesses in a loving way, with a spirit full of joy over the strength that will replace that weakness. To be sincerely thankful for who they are and steadfast in our faithfulness to love them deeply.
We very easily wobble off that rope and fall into self-righteous criticism. It is a fast and fatal plummet to more destruction. I know because I've fallen and you can't be close to God when you are full of anger and judgment. You can’t be full of joy when you are far from God. And slowly all that is good will corrupt. It takes only a little bit of yeast to slowly destroy love.

Oct. 2012- 15 teenage boys!

A couple months before our first baby was due we moved into a home with 15 teenage boys. This had been our intention from before we got married, in fact it was one of the reasons we married so soon. Thankfully, a volunteer stepped in to fill that position just around the time of our marriage, so Asher and I were able to have nearly a full year to simply enjoy each other. 

In retrospect we see how important that year of time together was for us. There is a lot to get used to in the beginning of marriage, and to have all the added pressure (at times very heavy pressure) of parenting the boys would have made that first year something it wasn't meant to be. Asher would often reflect on the old testament and how men were commanded to retire for a year after marriage. God wanted us to enjoy marriage, prioritize it and have a specific season of thanksgiving for it without the distractions of other things.

The boys were not necessarily welcoming of Asher and I moving in. They seemed to be enjoying the power and chaos that many of them carried around with them. They carried it around like a big bubble shield that cradled in everyone within earshot.. (which often would be a remarkably long distance.) The authority and peace that Asher and I brought with us were popping their bubbles and they didn't exactly appreciate it. Not at first at least, and even if some of them did appreciate our presence (especially the little ones) they definitely would never show it. One should never be different when you're in a group like that. You do what the group does, because the group is more of your life and more of your history than anything you are risking it for.

We were consistent in our expectations (Asher much better than I), consistent with consequences, consistent with kindness and spending time with them. We wanted so much to have relationship with each of them, but that required a long and difficult battle. Our strongest weapon in winning them over was faithfulness.

           

We have a rule that says, when our family room doors are open they are invited in. In the beginning no one would dare risk being made fun of to walk through those doors. None the less we could tell it was something that they were all longing for and needing. We would make them come in by having devotions in the family room or by inviting them in for coffee. We would make them spend time with us even if all we did was enjoy a dessert together. It was painful for me to sit in a room with nothing to fill the air but the sound of our forks against our plates, an occasional comment from Asher and I, and a one word answer from one of the boys.

After a couple attempts one might give up and just decide to "respect their decision". "They don't want a relationship with us, so we won't force them." But their decision is not one that is true to the desires of their hearts. Their decision comes from a bondage to sin and fear. If you set any of those boys deep into a place of freedom from fear, they would run after family and friendship and peace harder than they've ever run after anything before. Neither is it a decision that is good for them. They need our guidance and our love in their lives, whether or not they act like it they need it and in truth, they want it.

This is so much like our relationship with God isn't it? Before walking with God, when we were spiritually dead because of our sins and emotionally enslaved to our worldly fears.. because of that, we wanted nothing to do with Him. We needed the acceptance of "the group" more than we needed the presence of God. We ran from every invitation to know him and embraced inner sadness (external strength and pomp). But God was faithful to us. He pursued us, he reached out to us by his holy spirit, through a knocking on our heart. Maybe he even annoyed us through other believers that shared the good news, or songs that wouldn't get out of our head. It wasn't what we wanted, but it was.

So for any of you who have teenagers or preteens and it seems they are uninterested in you, don't "respect" that decision. Give them what they need and truly want. Give them faithfulness, give them your presence, your mercy and discipline. For those of you who don't have children or teenagers, you each probably have a "teenager soul" in your life. Those moody, sad, lonely people that are mostly negative and introspective.

They need someone to not give up on them, someone who will not respect their decision to embrace loneliness. Give them faithfulness, give them selfless life-giving faithfulness.. It isn't what any of them want, but it is.

Marriage- Us against an Enemy

I've learned so many things and have grown up in so many ways as a result of my new life with Asher.

I think any of you reading should be able to relate to what I share about marriage, no matter what your life circumstance is. Whether you are married or single or divorced, content or lonely, hopeful or brokenly disappointed... (Be sure He loves you. He deeply and relentlessly loves you...), no matter our life circumstance the number one call for all of our lives is to learn love. Whether that is with a husband, our families, or God the lessons of love that we gain through one of these relationships can be applied to all of them. You are not left out of the school of love. When you hear of another persons life lesson try to apply it to a relevant relationship in your life. When I talk about loving our husbands better, but you are not married consider how to love your mother better or members in your church.

When beginning marriage, all at once you are made to face your own selfishness and see every hidden flaw. And all at once your heart is feeling healing and wholeness that it never knew it needed. There are levels of peace that my spirit never knew existed and there have also been areas of fear and sin that I never knew I had hidden. Asher and I are overwhelmed with happiness in our marriage yet even with that being true we often marvel at how people do marriage without God. It seems like such a difficult and complex thing, so much so at times that it seems like only God can bring the supernatural solutions that are so desperately needed.

I remember once, only a few weeks into our marriage Asher and I were just stuck. I had nothing else to argue and he had nothing else to argue but the argument was not resolved. The frustration and selfishness and sin was still between us. I wanted to lock myself in a room and cry but Asher could hear Gods whisper. He told him to pray. We held hands and prayed and God told us the most amazing truth through our praying. It is the three of us against one enemy. After our talking with God there was only peace and forgiveness and laughter and gentleness. It was supernatural and spiritual and so good in a way that only God can make something good.

In any sorting through or working something out we often voice that it is not me against Asher, it is not something that he did to me or I did to him, it isn't pointing fingers or placing blame. It is the enemy trying to put a wedge between one of the most powerful instruments that God has on earth, marriage. The enemy will use our insecurities, he will use our annoyances, our sin, our lack of gentleness or sensitivity. He will pull on any and every dark thing in us that he can find in order to put distance between a married couple. As a single person you get this in milder doses with your family members, friends, and church. If you are willing and obedient you will get it in stronger doses when God asks you to be faithful to those that are difficult to love or enjoy. The enemy will pull on every ungodly thing in you to tear the relationship apart, but God will use the enemies pulling to make you more like Him.

This is why marriage is so hard for couples. It is not because either person is unlovable or hard to live with. We all may struggle with sin and selfishness, but Jesus still loves us and wants us to live with Him for Eternity. If we can see that it is the enemy who is trying to tear us down and not our spouse then we will find more victory in our conflicts. If we push to love each other the way Jesus loves us, then what can come between us? Our sin and idiosyncrasies certainly don't change the way Jesus loves and pursues us. Neither should our spouses sin or weaknesses change the way we love them.

Oh how I love that God works all things for our good. Do you know what he does with all of satan's attacks in marriage? He walks us through our sin so that we can rid ourselves of it and become more like him, more free and alive in love. This is nothing we can't do on our own, we have to humble ourselves enough to seek God, even after we feel we've done everything we possibly can do to fix it ourselves, we must ask God to help bring His will into the situation. When Asher and I see a bit of selfishness in ourselves and we work through it and soon learn to rid our lives of it, we feel so much peace. We are happy and our marriage is happy. This is what God does. This is why he hates sin. Sin tears down spouses, it rips apart families, it darkens our lives. But righteousness, which is found only in humility in receiving his blood, sets us free. His righteousness brings our feet to dancing, our hearts to singing, and our relationships to purer and purer love.

How Glorious! In order to experience the fullness of love and life in our relationships we must walk them out with God. And God is the fullness of everything, the joy giver, the peace bringer, the promise maker, best friend, savior, husband, and king. How kind of Him to draw us to Himself.

March 2012 Pregnancy Brain- Embracing Humility

My third little baby was born last week, a sweet baby boy we have named Cayden. He is perfect and God is so amazing. In celebration of this new gift I'm going to write a bit about my transition into pregnancy (and out of and into and out of and back into again) over the last three years.

Asher and I were married less than a year after that first date. After staying a month or two in Kentucky we moved back to our home in India. I can remember feeling very lonely and I found myself always wishing for friendships here in India. Some days I did well to embrace the fact that deep friendships take time and much effort, other days I allowed it to get me down.

The getting down bit came from being me, but also from the fact that only after a month of being in India I was pregnant and didn't know it. I wasn't in the dark for too long though because I soon experienced constant sickness, hunger, and emotionally wild roller coasters from the pregnancy.

One of those emotional roller coasters started from the feeling that I needed to measure up to my new family. Asher was the administrator and leader of this community and I felt that I needed to adequately play the role of his serious, responsible, hospitable, perfect wife. None of this was put on me by my family or husband of course… It is against the hidden powers of darkness that we fight against isn't it? The enemy may have used the opinions of one and the actions of another to accuse me of not measuring up but it should have been my response to cast down those accusations by resting in my identity as a daughter of God. 

Through neglecting the war I was meant to be fighting, I slowly allowed insecurity to rob my life. I'm sure the pregnancy was a major factor in how difficult the situation was for me because the strong side effects of pregnancy pounced on me rather harshly and all at once.

Then the most humbling of my transitions began to arise as all my words started to go missing. Have you heard of pregnancy brain?? I hadn't, until someone commented on mine about half way through my pregnancy. It was hard for me to form complete thoughts. In the middle of every third sentence I would forget the simple word I was about to say. I grew more and more afraid of meeting new people, all of them talked too fast for me to understand. I could only follow them half way through their sentence before my mind drifted off to something else. I tried to write.. but I remember reading my sentence over and over and tirelessly struggling to make it to the end of what I wrote with full comprehension.

I was newly married, in a new country, with new people and a new family. My body was doing new things and all I could ever think about was throwing up and eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. I was concerned with the praises of man and God proved himself loving by humbling me. I had nothing impressive to say, nothing coherent to write, no amazing work to be accredited for, I couldn't even glory in my relationship with God because I rarely drew close to Him. 

Over the past three years I have been working to be content with that. Not the being far from Him bit, but with having nothing to glory in. He has used the process to help me question my motivations. He used all those transitions to help me see bits in me that were seeking self-glory rather than His glory. He is so good to do that. Being wrapped up with a concern for self glory is suffocating and I am still asking God to release me from it. I'm rejoicing in the freedom He is slowly helping me walk in.

God, help us as your children embrace the transitions that bring humility: demotions, rejections, failures and a lack of recognition.. Help us rejoice in these experiences, as they aid in lowering us still so that you may be exalted. Develop in us hearts that are humble like yours.

Feb.2011 Rejoice in Love

So there I was in India, surrounded by people that I would soon share life with. Looking down the line for food and seeing Ashers smile, I found myself questioning if it were possible. Every time a thought of Asher came into my head, during those next few days I tried hard to toss it up to God. 

I found comfort in the fact that none of it was in my hands. It was up to God to push my husband towards me and I didn't want to even think about it. I also worked to remind myself of the journal entry I had written years before; "I will not attract. He will catch Gods word before I catch his eye." 

I remember one night Asher showing seeming interest in me. After this I escaped to a place alone outside and repeated to myself and God, "He doesn't like me, He doesn't like me. God, please help me get over this. Please help me not want this. He doesn't like me. He doesn't like me." I felt like God stopped me with a sure and loving voice, "Lara, he likes you!" I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I just told God goodnight and went inside to sleep. After that I became more open to Asher and tried to show response to any interest he seemed to express. 

It didn't take long at all before we were off on our first date. It was the most perfect day. A beautiful mountain trail, a sunset and Tibetan Food. Constant conversations with God and about God filled up our day. It happened a number of times that Asher would stop and address God in the middle of our conversation, making a request, thanking Him, or just telling Him how good and faithful He has been to us. By the end of that date we were talking of marriage and we were so in love. Eleven months later we were finally married and full of thankfulness of what the Lord had done.  

For those of you who are married, can you remember the beginning? So giddy, so excited and you knew that your love would be among the strongest and last forever. Healing and joy came out from the beginning of your relationship, there was so much excitement. This is how it is for most that enter into a marriage relationship.

Yet, it doesn't always end this way does it? Actually when you hear the way most people talk after being married for a few years, they view that season of romance as being at best, "blinded." They look at it and say, "how naive we were" often you can hear the bitterness in their voices, you can see the pride they develop from the idea that they are "beyond that".

Love and romance are so strong in the beginning it is hard to believe that "work" would have to be put into loving each other. But that kind of beginning love is not a blind love, it is a real and awake love. It might not have the depth of sacrifice and knowledge that develops as marriage goes on but it is still very real, and very good.

I think God loves this stage of passion, He wants us to look back at it with not only thankfulness but with a desire for more of it. It should be one of our pursuits. Just as God calls his bride back to Him as her first love, so does He want us to pursue that place of fresh love in all that we are meant to love.

He wants us to pursue it in our marriages, but also our churches, our friendships, and mostly our relationship with Him. We can develop that same bitter pride towards our relationship with God. We will look at the fresh passion and zeal that new believers have and instead of rejoicing in it or longing for it again, we judge it. We puff ourselves up and think to ourselves, "those young souls will soon face the reality." How blind we are.

God we repent for our pride, for our excuses and for our cold love. Help us long to love again. May we love all that we are meant to love. Through total self-sacrifice, and passion and lovesick admiration of You and our spouses, churches, friends, nature, blessings, calling and life..

Part 4- God on the other side, setting up the scene.

While I was going through that season of pain and confusion Asher was on the other side of the world, trusting God who was unfolding the opportunity for Asher to remain in India and work in the boys home and school that his parents started. He had plans of starting a business with his Engineering degree but God made it clear to him that he was meant to stay and work with his parents. For that year he made a pledge to God that he wouldn't consider entering into a relationship with someone, even if the perfect one came. He wanted to give that year to complete focus on God. As that year was wrapping up he felt a sense from God that his wife was coming at the beginning of that next year, 2011.

This is why I love our story because in the midst of our most confusing and difficult seasons, God was working. We couldn't see Him working, we questioned his concern for our lives, but he was very active through the entire process. He is always active, always working. Always concerned and always in love with us, feeling our pain and seeing the light that we sometimes just can't see. This is why it's important to listen to him and to ask to see things the way he does, to meditate on the good not on the unknown. To cling to trust, not to our own plans and desires. 

Part 3- Letting go of the vision and walking through a season of pain

As Asher persevered faithfully through that desert season of confusion and disappointment, the grey clouds began to move from his skies over into mine. I walked out of that "one year of faith" and straight into a desert. I heard some things through the grapevine concerning Asher that made me think I was wrong about his character and spirit. All the information added up to this final conclusion, "I must not have heard God." What a fool I was to trust appearance and people above God. So I let go of the whole thing. I thought maybe the vision of the arrow was real and I was going to get married to someone.. but everything I felt about Asher was certainly wrong. I'm sure I had hidden away in my heart a hope for the fairytale to be true, but I wouldn't allow it into my mind, at least not for very long. So I allowed my heart to open up to others. A few years of close calls, confusion, praying about marriage, considering and then letting my heart go at times made my heart a bit bruised. Then I experienced betrayal, abandonment, and rejection from a few people in a short turn around of time, and I felt like it was God who led me straight into the pain. That was the few months before coming to India. And I found myself asking God, "How did I get here?" and I never heard an answer. I was going through the same sense of confusion that Asher was experiencing when I first met him. I felt like I was in the dark and God just let me stay there to be confused and alone. I wondered, "God are you even involved?" and I never heard an answer. Well, maybe not "never", because soon the pieces would all come together and I would see the glory of Gods redemptive power and the way he weaves all of our struggles and comforts, failures and faith  together to reveal to us the glory of who He is and his mighty love for us.

Part 2- On the Other Side of The Story

So I continued in that fragile but sure faith for one year. I never befriended him on facebook or tried to email him. I wanted to cling to my trust of God putting it together. I didn't want to catch his eye, or even one of his thoughts. Every now and then I must confess, I would look on my friends facebook page to find a picture of him and I would read the blog he wrote for his cycling trip. That’s how I discovered his name was actually, Asher. That means happiness, and that felt like a promise to me. But other than that, I knew nothing about his life or what he was doing before or beyond the cycling trip. And he certainly didn't know anything about me. I'm sure he must of forgotten my name a few seconds after being introduced to me. But that entire year I felt a sure promise from God that this was my husband and God had it all planned out.

It was in that same year, that Asher was going through one of the most confusing and dry times of his life. He was actually in pursuit of another girl. One that he felt, and others confidently exclaimed, would be the one for him. That was why he was in Kentucky that night. The same night God was speaking so strongly to me.

He was pursuing her, but he felt stuck. Nothing seemed to be connecting, he kept asking God, "Why am I even here?" and he never heard an answer. He felt like he was in the dark and God just let him stay there to be confused and to figure out life on his own. As the whole idea of him being with that other girl seemed to fall apart over the next year, he wondered, "God are you even involved, do you care at all about these life matters?" and he never heard an answer. Well, maybe not "never", because 4 years later he would find out that in that time of confusion, God sent him down to Kentucky not to be misdirected but to set up his future by giving me a promise.

2007 Part 1- God Giving me a Vision

December 2007. 

I was crying. Crunched over, head to my closet floor. I was putting marriage and children on the altar. These were desires that I felt were rising above my desire to bless God. I was sure that I wasn't wholly given to eternity because these two earthly wants were deep in the core of me and I could feel their fierce strength grabbing at my soul.  I was crying and begging God to take marriage and children away from me if that is what would bless him. I begged him to take all of it, to take any of it. And I was sobbing, partly because of the loss and partly because of the joy of being completely offered to God. There is nothing that brings more joy than wholly abandoned, love driven sacrifice.  In that same moment of longing for a husband and children, I was longing for singleness with God. It was a true lovesick longing and appreciation for God, not a religious need to sacrifice or be made worthy by my offering. It was because of love and because of wanting full surrender to God. So I was torn and I was broken, I was desperate and I was full of life, it was bringing me to life.

Suddenly God stopped everything; the crying, the frantic offering, and there was only peace. (This next part of the story is amazing to me…) I then saw in my thoughts a map of the world with a red arrow crossing the Atlantic Ocean to Kentucky. I immediately felt extreme devotion to my husband. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before. There was so much love and devotion that I knew he was real. I was longing for someone that my spirit already knew. I remember freezing and then letting out a small chuckle to God, "Well I guess that means you want me to marry!"

That same night I felt like I should call my friend to see if she wanted to spend some time together. She couldn't because she had guests over, a brother and sister from India. I thought of the arrow. She invited me over. Anticipation filled my stomach, and my heart was suddenly overwhelmed by that same romantic devotion I felt when I had the arrow vision. I tried hard to dismiss it. I prayed. It seemed so silly. I hadn't even met him. I don't know anything about him! He could be 12 years old or 40 years old, he could be married, or hate God with all of his heart! I didn't even know his name, what a foolish thing to believe that this stranger is my husband.

I went to her house, walked in the door, and I can see that moment now as if I were looking at a photograph.  He was sitting on the couch directly across from the door and he had a guitar in his hands. I knew him in that moment, it was like seeing my lifelong best friend. And now that I truly do know him, it is amazing to me that everything I felt was true! He was strong but gentle. He was full of adventure but safe.

I was introduced to him and his sister. Because of his accent I thought his name was pronounced as Assure. And that made me happy… you can understand why. I had so much faith in that experience that I was convinced God would make it happen. I gathered only a few bits of information that night. He was an engineer working in New York, He grew up in an orphanage that his parents started, he was going back for a couple months to cycle through India and raise money for his brothers street ministry. He told a few stories involving mountains, swimming in rivers, and biking. I was head over heals! Fully in love and fully convinced that this stranger I knew for only 20 minutes was my husband. I just needed to wait.

That night I journaled about the whole experience. I ended the entry with this sentence. "I will not attract. He will catch Gods word before I catch his eye. There's a strong faith in me and a desperate longing for that faith to be real. But I feel the fear of that faith being in vain. I feel quite fragile."

Thank you God for how involved you are in our lives. Thank you for touching us, speaking to us, caring about us. Thank you for giving us dreams and visions and hopes and comforts. Help us to never take destiny into our own hands but to walk by faith, trust and submission to your plans. This can be one of the scariest things to transition to. From control to trust. Help us do it more and more. We love you.

God Bringing Asher and I Together- Part 5

On arriving to the campus, all 50ish boys were lining up for lunch along with all the staff. I was given a plate and found my place in line with my wonderful  -now mother in law- who introduced me to a few of the precious people around me. I looked ahead and saw Asher serving the food, with his head slightly tilted to the left he chuckled at something one of the boys said and he seemed to glow just like the first time I saw him. As I looked, my heart recognized him again and I felt like the Holy Spirit told me about who he was once again. I found myself questioning what I made myself believe before coming. "Maybe I was wrong about him.."

… Oh did I forget to tell you that I had met him before?  This is my most favorite story. The process from start to finish of God bringing us together truly shows how involved and in control God is even when we feel like he couldn't be farther away. That story begins in December 2007. ..  but I think I will wait for next post to tell that story. Maybe because I want to leave you hanging but also because the doctor just put me on bed-rest yesterday and my body is telling me I need to lie down : )

So, God thank you for all the many ways you work in our lives. Thank you for all the ways you've worked and we haven't even seen. You are amazing and spectacular. Every glance we see of you makes us starve to see more. Oh! If only we had a greater praise to offer, because what we have is surely not enough. Please keep this baby safe in my tummy until its right time to come out. Thank you for being so good.

Trust that He leads our steps

So February 2011. I can still remember walking onto that plane and praying, "God, am I suppose to do this?" I was still broken and confused and always doubting my ability to hear Him. Sometimes we just have to step onto the plane, even if we aren't sure about His guidance. Other times we have to sit and wait until we are sure. I believe that the most important thing is that we have an honest fervent prayer in our heart that says, "God I want what you want. Please keep me in your will." And He will do it. If we always, absolutely knew exactly what his will is we wouldn't have any need for faith and trust would we?

By the time I arrived to India all doubts were gone. This was my home and I knew it. I knew it again when I arrived to the campus where we live now. I fell in love with the lifestyle, the people, and especially the little boys I was helping with. I spent so much time with God, did a lot of crying and worshiping and he was healing me. I was humbling myself and learning to accept my failures with a joyful free heart. I could fully celebrated the truth that all things good in me came through Christ's power and his doings, not my own. So He was loving me, healing me, promising me, humbling me, and freeing me into that humility and joy. This is one of the greatest things about our failures, they draw us closer to truth and to Him… if we allow them to.

So God was bringing so much restoration to my inner life, the hidden life. But He was also very busy and excited about what was happening on the visible part of my life. He was bringing Asher and I together and he was going to use our relationship as one of the tools for my healing. This is something I often see Him doing with His sons and daughters as they enter into a marriage relationship.

Three Years Later

Wow, so it's about three years ago that I wrote my last post. I smirk now at the title of this blog because the number of transitions in my life over these three years have multiplied! 

Asher and I now live with and look after 18 teenage boys. A blessing much more than a challenge, but a challenge none the less. We also have two little baby girls and another little baby soon arriving!

But I feel like I'm getting a little too ahead of myself, maybe I should backtrack and take a few posts to give some history to our story.

I first came to this boys home in India in February 2011, I'll share a bit now about the six months or so leading up to my coming. This will illustrate how Father God is really good at preparation and promises and healing.

Those months in 2010 were some of the most painful months of my life. I won't get into the details but suddenly everything that I thought was true was turned upside down. I was an incredibly trusting person, always believing the best in people and always believing the words they said. But by the end of that painful process, I doubted the authenticity of everyone I came across, even my own. I was also being dragged through the dirt by the enemy concerning my self-worth and purpose. The only things I could think about were my many failures and inabilities. And the question that spiraled me down into total brokenness was, "Is every experience I've ever had with God a Sham?" Basically I got hurt and betrayed by multiple people and I felt like it was God who led me into the confusion. My response was to allow the enemy to have a free-for-all attack on my identity.

Some nights it was all I could do to drive away to find a remote place where I would kneel on the backseat floor of my car and just cry and pray, begging God to help me understand or at least just survive what happened. I felt betrayed by God. I wondered if I could even hear Him at all, and I began to think, "I wonder if all this time I've just been making up his voice and presence in my life."

 I knew I loved Him and I knew He loved me but the confusion of every bit of life not making sense… even the bit with Him, made me feel hopeless. But Jesus gave me the grace to cling to Him. He somehow helped me trust Him still and if nothing else find comfort in our love. Even if our love were a dream it would be worth believing in. Eventually he pulled me out of that struggling place and he redeemed all of that pain in the most beautiful way. Now I am here in a place I've always dreamed of, with the husband and children I've always wanted and a trust in God that he knew I needed.

If you have walked with Jesus for long you know how faithful He is. Aren’t you so thankful for His faithfulness? There are times when I feel so undone or overwhelmed by how true He has been to me through all of my ups and downs.

Now when I hit a rough patch or a desert season I don't feel a panic. I know that there is nothing I could go through that He would abandon me in. I know that in time He will answer, He will heal, He will comfort and He will make sense of all confusion. No matter the changes of life or the condition of my heart I know that He will bring me back to peace and love and joy and hope and steadfastness. It is His faithfulness and He will do it. 1Thessalonians 5:24

All of us have experienced pain, disappointment, and confusion. We are bound to experience even more as life goes on. Let us not focus on the chaos of the external but on the beauty God is making out of it. Let us focus on Him and His love. 

Oh that we could be faithful back to you Jesus for all of our lives. That we wouldn't turn away from you even for a day. We want to love you the way you have loved us. Thank you for humility, thank you for brokenness. Thank you for the many dry desserts and painful storms you've allowed us to walk through. 

You long to prove your faithfulness to us as we walk those dessert walks. Any faithfulness and purification we attain is from you alone and nothing of our own. You only need our weak and broken, "Amen" to make good out of it all. So Amen God, Amen to all the good that you have for those you love.