Oct. 2012- 15 teenage boys!

A couple months before our first baby was due we moved into a home with 15 teenage boys. This had been our intention from before we got married, in fact it was one of the reasons we married so soon. Thankfully, a volunteer stepped in to fill that position just around the time of our marriage, so Asher and I were able to have nearly a full year to simply enjoy each other. 

In retrospect we see how important that year of time together was for us. There is a lot to get used to in the beginning of marriage, and to have all the added pressure (at times very heavy pressure) of parenting the boys would have made that first year something it wasn't meant to be. Asher would often reflect on the old testament and how men were commanded to retire for a year after marriage. God wanted us to enjoy marriage, prioritize it and have a specific season of thanksgiving for it without the distractions of other things.

The boys were not necessarily welcoming of Asher and I moving in. They seemed to be enjoying the power and chaos that many of them carried around with them. They carried it around like a big bubble shield that cradled in everyone within earshot.. (which often would be a remarkably long distance.) The authority and peace that Asher and I brought with us were popping their bubbles and they didn't exactly appreciate it. Not at first at least, and even if some of them did appreciate our presence (especially the little ones) they definitely would never show it. One should never be different when you're in a group like that. You do what the group does, because the group is more of your life and more of your history than anything you are risking it for.

We were consistent in our expectations (Asher much better than I), consistent with consequences, consistent with kindness and spending time with them. We wanted so much to have relationship with each of them, but that required a long and difficult battle. Our strongest weapon in winning them over was faithfulness.

           

We have a rule that says, when our family room doors are open they are invited in. In the beginning no one would dare risk being made fun of to walk through those doors. None the less we could tell it was something that they were all longing for and needing. We would make them come in by having devotions in the family room or by inviting them in for coffee. We would make them spend time with us even if all we did was enjoy a dessert together. It was painful for me to sit in a room with nothing to fill the air but the sound of our forks against our plates, an occasional comment from Asher and I, and a one word answer from one of the boys.

After a couple attempts one might give up and just decide to "respect their decision". "They don't want a relationship with us, so we won't force them." But their decision is not one that is true to the desires of their hearts. Their decision comes from a bondage to sin and fear. If you set any of those boys deep into a place of freedom from fear, they would run after family and friendship and peace harder than they've ever run after anything before. Neither is it a decision that is good for them. They need our guidance and our love in their lives, whether or not they act like it they need it and in truth, they want it.

This is so much like our relationship with God isn't it? Before walking with God, when we were spiritually dead because of our sins and emotionally enslaved to our worldly fears.. because of that, we wanted nothing to do with Him. We needed the acceptance of "the group" more than we needed the presence of God. We ran from every invitation to know him and embraced inner sadness (external strength and pomp). But God was faithful to us. He pursued us, he reached out to us by his holy spirit, through a knocking on our heart. Maybe he even annoyed us through other believers that shared the good news, or songs that wouldn't get out of our head. It wasn't what we wanted, but it was.

So for any of you who have teenagers or preteens and it seems they are uninterested in you, don't "respect" that decision. Give them what they need and truly want. Give them faithfulness, give them your presence, your mercy and discipline. For those of you who don't have children or teenagers, you each probably have a "teenager soul" in your life. Those moody, sad, lonely people that are mostly negative and introspective.

They need someone to not give up on them, someone who will not respect their decision to embrace loneliness. Give them faithfulness, give them selfless life-giving faithfulness.. It isn't what any of them want, but it is.