In the last post I was writing from the base that I
felt so happy and content in this season. I think it is note-worthy that though
written only a couple weeks after the last, this post will sound so different.
I've decided that that's okay though because it's real and honest.
It seems to me that most of life follows a pattern
of up and down. One day we feel purposed and hopeful and ready, others we feel…
a bit lower than that. It is good that God is a God of weak people isn't it? It
is good that He alone is God and we are not, His goodness and character is
eternally consistent and full. Praise Him! Before I go any farther, "Oh my
soul, Praise Him!"
I feel terribly lonely some days. What do you do when
God calls you to a place or a season that is lonely? Often I feel like I don't
know how to find my place or a close friend, save for Asher. He and I often
marvel at how deep and beautiful our friendship is. I think God knew how much I
would need him.
Before I go further I will say that the enemy always
tries to make my loneliness seem more real than what it is. This is something
that Asher has helped me to see. The enemy does the same with my insecurities.
So often he does that to all of us I think. He tries to convince us of all the
things that we aren't and don't have… when really it is just in our heads, it
is only in our emotions, it is only a lie. Knowing that he deceives to make our
hard days seem darker than what they are is a good thing for us to know and we
can use it to fight against his lies.
So I've been fighting against those many lies he
throws at me. Asher has been helping me. But even still we both know that it is
not all made up. The things that I am missing are real. I want to hunger for
God with a close girl-friend again. I want to cry with her and let her cry on
me. I want to feel like I can be myself, silly or serious in front of everyone
I'm around and not fear being looked at as foolish or religious. I want to
speak deeply and personally into someone's life, and I want them to speak into
mine. These are the things I'm learning to be content without and God is
teaching me to have joy even in the midst of feeling lonely.
I have Asher and he is so wonderfully all those
things to me and more. Why is it that I am still wanting? Is it a good thing to
long for more friendships or should I be growing deeper into contentment? Does
God want me to be in want of those relationships or does he want me to be at
peace without them?
Because He always wants us to be at peace and to be
joyful, I know that the answer is that He wants me to grow into contentment and
soak up everything He has for me to learn and experience now. But I think He
wants me to do that while not giving up on the relationships around me. The
longing for close girl friends and real ministry opportunities is a good one.
Hunger for anything of His kingdom is always good I think.
God you are the same today, yesterday, and forever.
I know that in this time when I am trying to find my purpose here that you are
teaching me how to come before you as my purpose. You are my purpose. You are
teaching me about the simple but most powerful things of your kingdom; love and
peace and faith. Let me grow deeper into Your Love.
