2007 Part 1- God Giving me a Vision

December 2007. 

I was crying. Crunched over, head to my closet floor. I was putting marriage and children on the altar. These were desires that I felt were rising above my desire to bless God. I was sure that I wasn't wholly given to eternity because these two earthly wants were deep in the core of me and I could feel their fierce strength grabbing at my soul.  I was crying and begging God to take marriage and children away from me if that is what would bless him. I begged him to take all of it, to take any of it. And I was sobbing, partly because of the loss and partly because of the joy of being completely offered to God. There is nothing that brings more joy than wholly abandoned, love driven sacrifice.  In that same moment of longing for a husband and children, I was longing for singleness with God. It was a true lovesick longing and appreciation for God, not a religious need to sacrifice or be made worthy by my offering. It was because of love and because of wanting full surrender to God. So I was torn and I was broken, I was desperate and I was full of life, it was bringing me to life.

Suddenly God stopped everything; the crying, the frantic offering, and there was only peace. (This next part of the story is amazing to me…) I then saw in my thoughts a map of the world with a red arrow crossing the Atlantic Ocean to Kentucky. I immediately felt extreme devotion to my husband. It was unlike anything I've ever felt before. There was so much love and devotion that I knew he was real. I was longing for someone that my spirit already knew. I remember freezing and then letting out a small chuckle to God, "Well I guess that means you want me to marry!"

That same night I felt like I should call my friend to see if she wanted to spend some time together. She couldn't because she had guests over, a brother and sister from India. I thought of the arrow. She invited me over. Anticipation filled my stomach, and my heart was suddenly overwhelmed by that same romantic devotion I felt when I had the arrow vision. I tried hard to dismiss it. I prayed. It seemed so silly. I hadn't even met him. I don't know anything about him! He could be 12 years old or 40 years old, he could be married, or hate God with all of his heart! I didn't even know his name, what a foolish thing to believe that this stranger is my husband.

I went to her house, walked in the door, and I can see that moment now as if I were looking at a photograph.  He was sitting on the couch directly across from the door and he had a guitar in his hands. I knew him in that moment, it was like seeing my lifelong best friend. And now that I truly do know him, it is amazing to me that everything I felt was true! He was strong but gentle. He was full of adventure but safe.

I was introduced to him and his sister. Because of his accent I thought his name was pronounced as Assure. And that made me happy… you can understand why. I had so much faith in that experience that I was convinced God would make it happen. I gathered only a few bits of information that night. He was an engineer working in New York, He grew up in an orphanage that his parents started, he was going back for a couple months to cycle through India and raise money for his brothers street ministry. He told a few stories involving mountains, swimming in rivers, and biking. I was head over heals! Fully in love and fully convinced that this stranger I knew for only 20 minutes was my husband. I just needed to wait.

That night I journaled about the whole experience. I ended the entry with this sentence. "I will not attract. He will catch Gods word before I catch his eye. There's a strong faith in me and a desperate longing for that faith to be real. But I feel the fear of that faith being in vain. I feel quite fragile."

Thank you God for how involved you are in our lives. Thank you for touching us, speaking to us, caring about us. Thank you for giving us dreams and visions and hopes and comforts. Help us to never take destiny into our own hands but to walk by faith, trust and submission to your plans. This can be one of the scariest things to transition to. From control to trust. Help us do it more and more. We love you.