My third little
baby was born last week, a sweet baby boy we have named Cayden. He is perfect
and God is so amazing. In celebration of this new gift I'm going to write a bit
about my transition into pregnancy (and out of and into and out of and back into
again) over the last three years.
Asher and I were
married less than a year after that first date. After staying a month or two in
Kentucky we moved back to our home in India. I can remember feeling very lonely and I found myself always wishing for friendships here in India. Some days I did well to embrace the fact that deep friendships take
time and much effort, other days I allowed it to get me down.
The getting down
bit came from being me, but also from the fact that only after a month of being
in India I was pregnant and didn't know it. I wasn't in the dark for too long
though because I soon experienced constant sickness, hunger, and emotionally
wild roller coasters from the pregnancy.
One of those
emotional roller coasters started from the feeling that I needed to measure up
to my new family. Asher was the administrator and leader of this community and
I felt that I needed to adequately play the role of his serious, responsible,
hospitable, perfect wife. None of this was put on me by my family or husband of
course… It is against the hidden powers of darkness that we fight against isn't
it? The enemy may have used the opinions of one and the actions of another to
accuse me of not measuring up but it should have been my response to cast down
those accusations by resting in my identity as a daughter of God.
Through
neglecting the war I was meant to be fighting, I slowly allowed insecurity to
rob my life. I'm sure the pregnancy was a major factor in how difficult the
situation was for me because the strong side effects of pregnancy pounced on me
rather harshly and all at once.
Then the most
humbling of my transitions began to arise as all my words started to go
missing. Have you heard of pregnancy brain?? I hadn't, until someone commented
on mine about half way through my pregnancy. It was hard for me to form
complete thoughts. In the middle of every third sentence I would forget the
simple word I was about to say. I grew more and more afraid of meeting new
people, all of them talked too fast for me to understand. I could only follow
them half way through their sentence before my mind drifted off to something
else. I tried to write.. but I remember reading my sentence over and over and
tirelessly struggling to make it to the end of what I wrote with full
comprehension.
I was newly
married, in a new country, with new people and a new family. My body was doing
new things and all I could ever think about was throwing up and eating Kentucky
Fried Chicken. I was concerned with the praises
of man and God proved himself loving by humbling me. I had nothing impressive
to say, nothing coherent to write, no amazing work to be accredited for, I couldn't
even glory in my relationship with God because I rarely drew close to Him.
Over
the past three years I have been working to be content with that. Not the being
far from Him bit, but with having nothing to glory in. He has used the process
to help me question my motivations. He used all those transitions to help me
see bits in me that were seeking self-glory rather than His glory. He is so
good to do that. Being wrapped up with a concern for self glory is suffocating
and I am still asking God to release me from it. I'm rejoicing in the freedom
He is slowly helping me walk in.
God, help us as
your children embrace the transitions that bring humility: demotions,
rejections, failures and a lack of recognition.. Help us rejoice in these
experiences, as they aid in lowering us still so that you may be exalted.
Develop in us hearts that are humble like yours.
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