A couple months
before our first baby was due we moved into a home with 15 teenage boys. This
had been our intention from before we got married, in fact it was one of the reasons
we married so soon. Thankfully, a volunteer stepped in to fill that position just around
the time of our marriage, so Asher and I were able to have nearly a full year
to simply enjoy each other.
In retrospect we see how important that year of
time together was for us. There is a lot to get used to in the beginning of
marriage, and to have all the added pressure (at times very heavy pressure) of
parenting the boys would have made that first year something it wasn't meant to
be. Asher would often reflect on the old testament and how men were commanded
to retire for a year after marriage. God wanted us to enjoy marriage,
prioritize it and have a specific season of thanksgiving for it without the
distractions of other things.
The boys were
not necessarily welcoming of Asher and I moving in. They seemed to be enjoying
the power and chaos that many of them carried around with them. They carried it
around like a big bubble shield that cradled in everyone within earshot..
(which often would be a remarkably long distance.) The authority and peace that
Asher and I brought with us were popping their bubbles and they didn't exactly
appreciate it. Not at first at least, and even if some of them did appreciate
our presence (especially the little ones) they definitely would never show it. One
should never be different when you're in a group like that. You do what the
group does, because the group is more of your life and more of your history
than anything you are risking it for.
We were
consistent in our expectations (Asher much better than I), consistent with
consequences, consistent with kindness and spending time with them. We wanted
so much to have relationship with each of them, but that required a long and
difficult battle. Our strongest weapon in winning them over was faithfulness.
We have a rule
that says, when our family room doors are open they are invited in. In the
beginning no one would dare risk being made fun of to walk through those doors.
None the less we could tell it was something that they were all longing for and
needing. We would make them come in by having devotions in the family room or
by inviting them in for coffee. We would make them spend time with us even
if all we did was enjoy a dessert together. It was painful for me to sit in a room with nothing to fill the air but the sound of our forks against our plates, an occasional comment from Asher and I, and a one word answer from one of the boys.
After a couple
attempts one might give up and just decide to "respect their
decision". "They don't want a relationship with us, so we won't force
them." But their decision is not one that is true to the desires of their
hearts. Their decision comes from a bondage to sin and fear. If you set any of
those boys deep into a place of freedom from fear, they would run after family
and friendship and peace harder than they've ever run after anything before.
Neither is it a decision that is good for them. They need our guidance and our
love in their lives, whether or not they act like it they need it and in truth,
they want it.
This is so much
like our relationship with God isn't it? Before walking with God, when we were spiritually
dead because of our sins and emotionally enslaved to our worldly fears.. because
of that, we wanted nothing to do with Him. We needed the acceptance of
"the group" more than we needed the presence of God. We ran from
every invitation to know him and embraced inner sadness (external strength and
pomp). But God was faithful to us. He pursued us, he reached out to us by his
holy spirit, through a knocking on our heart. Maybe he even annoyed us through
other believers that shared the good news, or songs that wouldn't get out of
our head. It wasn't what we wanted, but it was.
So for any of
you who have teenagers or preteens and it seems they are uninterested in you,
don't "respect" that decision. Give them what they need and truly want.
Give them faithfulness, give them your presence, your mercy and discipline. For
those of you who don't have children or teenagers, you each probably have a
"teenager soul" in your life. Those moody, sad, lonely people that
are mostly negative and introspective.
They need someone
to not give up on them, someone who will not respect their decision to embrace
loneliness. Give them faithfulness, give them selfless life-giving
faithfulness.. It isn't what any of them want, but it is.
